In the year 2007 Mike Paterson was commissioned to write the script for the movie Snowboard Academy 3. The script he wrote was hilarious, irreverent, and action packed.  Unfortunately, the movie never happened. Even Snowboard Academy 2 didn’t happen!

Of course Mike wrote a character for himself to play in the movie: Uncle Gordon. The following scene explains how uncle Gordon, a fun loving lay-about, came to own a snowboard academy in the first place; by winning it in a poker game between himself, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Billy Dee Williams.  Enjoy!

 

FADE INTO FLASHBACK OF:

INT. POKER ROOM – NIGHT 1997 FLASHBACK

GORDON, COREY HAIM, COREY FELDMAN and LANDO, a Billy Dee Williams impersonator, or Billy Dee Williams himself, sit around a POKER TABLE smoking CIGARS. All of them are made to look younger than they actually are, but not by much.

GORDON (o.s)

The year was 1997. The Chicago Bulls were led to the NBA Championship by Micheal Jordan for the third consecutive time. Scotty Pippen and Denis Rodman completed the triple threat. They played the Utah Jazz. Why a basketball team from Utah was called the Jazz still escapes me…

There is a TEN an EIGHT, a TEN, a QUEEN and a FOUR on the table. LANDO has a PAIR OF EIGHTS

LANDO

Bet’s to you Gordon

GORDON

I raise Twenty Thousand.

COREY HAIM

Twenty thousand? That’s how much I got paid for License to drive! I fold

COREY FELDMAN

They paid you? Man, I wish I had a better agent. I’m out.

LANDO looks at his cards. He has a full house.

LANDO

Are you trying to bluff, sucker? Shit, I saw better acting from Mark Hamil. Heh heh.

GORDON

Are you gonna call Lando? Or are you gonna stall?

LANDO

You know I don’t have that kind of cash on me Gordon.

GORDON

You know what I want Calarissian.

LANDO

The hooch mobile? That’s the fastest snowmobile in the Galaxy!

GORDON

Then walk away.

LANDO

Heh I know your game. Let’s do it. I’ll call you one Hooch Mobile.

LANDO shows his CARDS. He has a PAIR OF EIGHTS. GORDON puts down his cards. He has TWO QUEENS. GORDON wins.

GORDON

In your face space pirate.

LANDO

I’m outta here. You take care of her, that bucket of bolts is held together by pieces of my soul.

LANDO exits weeping. COREY FELDMAN deals a TWO OF HEARTS, a FOUR OF CLUBS, and a FIVE OF CLUBS on the board. FELDMAN has a KING OF CLUBS and a QUEEN OF CLUBS. HAIM has an ACE OF DIAMONDS and a THREE OF SPADES, he’s got the straight. We don’t see GORDON’S cards.

COREY HAIM

I bet one Teen Choice Award.

HAIM puts a TROPHY on the table. FELDMAN pulls out a TROPHY of his own.

COREY FELDMAN

I call

GORDON also pulls out a TROPHY.

GORDON

I’m in.

COREY FELDMAN

Where did you get that?

GORDON

It’s Freddie Prinze Junior’s. Long story.

COREY HAIM

Just deal Corey.

COREY FELDMAN

Okay Corey! Back off!

COREY HAIM

Corey!

COREY FELDMAN

Corey!

GORDON

Coreys!

FELDMAN deals a TWO OF CLUBS. FELDMAN is going for a flush, which he will get because this is a movie.

COREY HAIM

Ten thousand.

COREY FELDMAN

I’m in.

FELDMAN whispers to HAIM.

COREY FELDMAN

(WHISPERS) Can I borrow some money if I lose?

GORDON

I call.

FELDMAN deals a JACK OF HEARTS. We see MONEY put on the table, then DEEDS TO PROPERTY, PHOTOS OF STARLETS WITH THEIR PHONE NUMBERS SCRAWLED ON THEM, a WASHING MACHINE etc. The players exchange furtive looks. COREY FELDMAN places a STUFFED RABBIT on the table.

COREY FELDMAN

Don’t worry Mr. Snugglesworth, I’ve got a feeling.

COREY HAIM

Hey Gordon, you don’t have the cash to hang with us Hollywood teen idols. Why don’t you put the Hooch Mobile on the table and we’ll call it.

GORDON

You have only one thing that I find as valuable as the Hooch Mobile.

COREY HAIM

What… you mean…

GORDON

I want your Snowboard Academy Corey.

COREY HAIM

But…but that Snowboard Academy was given to me by my father Joe Flaherty in the movie Snow Board Academy!

COREY FELDMAN

‘You scared? Bwak Bwak?

COREY HAIM

Nobody calls me chicken. You’re on.

HAIM places the DEED to the Snowboard Academy on the table.

GORDON

And I call with the Hooch Mobile.

HAIM lays down his CARDS.

COREY HAIM

Sorry boys! I’ve got the straight!

HAIM starts to bring the PILE towards him. FELDMAN stops him. FELDMAN lays his CARDS down.

COREY FELDMAN

Sorry Haim, flush!

GORDON clears his throat and lays down his cards. He has four TWOS.

GORDON

Ahem… Four twos.

COREY HAIM

Damn it!

COREY FELDMAN

MR. SNUGGLESWORTH! NOOO!

FADE OUT OF FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. SKI HILL DAY.

GORDON is orating on the mountain. We are close on his face and pull back to see that everyone has stopped listening. TILLY and MAK are building a SNOWMAN, ALI is having a snowball fight withJO while JIGGS looks on laughing

GORDON

So I told those douch bags, ‘Get the hell out of my snowboard Academy!’ And then one of them pulled a knife but I was like ‘I know Karate bitches” and I kicked Haim in the solare plexus…

MAK smiles, shakes his head.

MAK

No one is listening to you Gordon

GORDON

But that’s the story!

MAK

With a couple of GORDON embellishments.

GORDON

Embellishments?

MAK

Is it just me, or is the last thing anyone thinks about in this snowboard academy snowboarding?